i dunno...

i was terribly nervous to go home the first R&R. i talked a little about the anxiety i was harboring over people having access to a lot of my thoughts and feelings… unlike they had previously had before. i’m not sure what exactly changed in 5 months, but those reservations and concerns weren’t there this time……i’m going to have to do some reading and see what i’ve written in the last few months. was i sharing more of myself and opening myself up more the first few months? that was, ultimately, one of my goals… have i shied away from that? i write a lot about the humor i find… did i get so far away from entries with significant meaning or insight? if that’s true, it could certainly be the reason i didn’t feel vulnerable this time……or maybe i’ve just grown familiar with how it feels? maybe i don’t feel as close to some of the people i did before. maybe i figured out that it’s not so bad to be vulnerable……it always grounds me to find out that someone reads these. especially if i don’t know them very well, or maybe they’re a friend of a friend… but to find out they get some enjoyment out of what i write… that i brightened their day… well, it makes my day. it makes me feel very humble, and surprised… but it gives me warm fuzzies to know i could do that for someone. …and you’ve also got the people i’ve been close to for years, who are getting to know me a little bit more and a little bit differently every entry i write. i forget how deep these can get sometimes, and i think i forget that they read them… until something is said……like an offhand comment when i’m cooking breakfast about how if i throw the bacon in the microwave, it’ll come out really crispy – just like i like it. i stopped dead in my tracks, shocked that someone, ANYONE would know that. you know, when i had a girlfriend i made a purely conscious effort to try and remember her favorite soda, or what she orders at starbucks… but a friend i’ve never eaten breakfast with in my life knows that i like my bacon extra crispy?! i was speechless… and ya’ll know it takes a lot to make me speechless…