back at it...

so I’ve been hit lately with this overwhelming sense of guilt, of being “behind” in my reading and writing. which, if I were on some sort of schedule… I would be. so I find myself stalling… ever so effectively, as if I were back in college and looking to do anything but write that term paper. it’s not so much that I really enjoyed pulling those last minute, late night all nighters… I was just so good at procrastinating. and so here I am, procrastinating again, but this time I don’t have a deadline. nothing to force me into an all nighter. which means my procrastinating nature could rule indefinitely…so I’ve got to seek the source. why is the procrastination so prevalent? it’s only in activities that I really don’t want to do. now, to clarify, I’m not writing for a class… no one is forcing me to write, or read for that matter. I feel scheduled for the simple fact that I’ve continued to write down keywords to trigger my memory about topics I’ve thought of writing about… quite simply, because the list exists – and is getting quite long – I feel like I’m “behind”. I guess it’s years of conditioning… “my god, my ‘to do’ list is so long, I’ll never catch up at this rate… how long has it been since I changed my bedsheets?” …now, I don’t want to get rid of the list… because it’s such a wonderful source of ideas when I have nothing new coming to me… it will totally delay my inevitable writer’s block… if I ever start writing again. I’m basically working on convincing myself that I enjoy writing again… and that it is, in fact, on my schedule and at my convenience. what I did was cut my list into little strips… so I can’t see how many accumulate… so it feels like less of a must-get-done kind of list and more like a luck of the draw. which was working out great until I spilled my cup of lists, and some drifted into the hallway. the guys are finding random notes like “foreign hairstylists” and “girl scout mobs”. as if they didn’t think I was unbalanced already…

speaking of which...

since i'm on the topic of exercise... (apparently one journal entry qualifies as being "on the topic"...)i had a friend ask me once exactly how strong/big/inshape enough was "enough". i can't remember exactly how i responded... just that i wasn't too confident in my answer so i felt like i was stammering around the question by discussing how long workouts make the time go by faster out here. or something. it may be a year later... but i think i finally have an answer... there is something rather disgraceful, even dishonorable, about "falling out". for those of you that don't know, if your fellow ff's have to pull you out of a fire... or if you have to get checked by the medics and aren't allowed back in the game afterwards... you fell out. if you fall out more than once, you get an unspoken reputation as a liability to the crew and mission. this is a concern anywhere you go, but becomes very evident when the daytime temps soar above 120F......so in short, you don't ever want to be the one to fall out, or to fail at an assigned task. every day is a battle of hydration... another possible scenario to test the limits of your conditioning... another chance to prove the critics right or wrong. so how much is enough? when i can be sure i *won't* be the one to fall out... when i have enough confidence to work beyond the mental block of physical agility tests... when i know i have more than "enough" to get through or around every obsticle that could ever be put in my way... that's "enough". i don't think i'm there yet.

call your local congressman...

i intensely dislike "legs day". ("intensely dislike" is an understatement... more like "hate with the intensity of 1000 burning suns", but that seemed a little harsh to begin the entry with.) i don't actually know anyone who likes it... who thinks to themselves, "yay, today is legs day..." but i'm sure someone is out there who gets satisfaction and spiritual fulfillment from lunges and squats. me, i abhor them. ...once every 5 weeks legs day falls on monday. as if motivation isn't hard enough... now it involves pulling energy and willpower directly out of my ass. i've decided no more. no more legs days on mondays. (people have run for president with weaker platforms... just look at bush) i'm putting a stop to it here and now, i just had my last legs day on a monday. it's good to have a plan...

open letter to my exes...

no, this is not going to be one of *those* kinds of entries… i promise.it was recently brought to my attention of the changes in the life of one of my exes, and whereas previously it may have been true to my form to perhaps be critical, spiteful, jealous or any number of emotions… i found that i was truly happy for her and hoping for the best for her. this applies to all of my exes… i *do* hope for their happiness. (for one or two of them, that also involves me hoping that they can become better people more capable of finding said happiness…) anyways, it made me realize that i had a few things to say. true to form, i will not be including names… you know who you are. some persons got more than one statement, and a few of the statements apply to more than one person. so there, that’ll keep you on your toes…i hope for you to never grow up. never neglect your inner child… and don’t ever stop playing. thank you for teaching me the importance in this.i hope for you to remember to breathe… and you can embrace every moment for what it has to offer. thank you for allowing me to share this with you. thank you for teaching me what it is to love beyond myself.i hope you find something that can fulfill you, that whatever you are searching for is within your grasp. i’m sorry i couldn’t be everything you wanted. thank you for inspiring me and setting me on my path.i hope you find the stability you need, that you can be comfortable in. i’m sorry that our paths diverged and i couldn’t be that for you.i hope you find someone worth risking truly opening yourself to. i’m sorry that i wasn’t truly present with you, and that my heart wasn’t truly open to you. i hope you find a path out of the cycle you’re in… i hope you find the strength to reach out when you need it, and i’m sorry i couldn’t be either of those for you. thank you for showing me that cycle, and allowing me to learn from your mistakes.i hope for your health… that you find love, happiness, and fulfillment. thank you for being a part of my life.