Mittwoch, 12. September 2007
back at it...
so I’ve been hit lately with this overwhelming sense of guilt, of being “behind” in my reading and writing. which, if I were on some sort of schedule… I would be. so I find myself stalling… ever so effectively, as if I were back in college and looking to do anything but write that term paper. it’s not so much that I really enjoyed pulling those last minute, late night all nighters… I was just so good at procrastinating. and so here I am, procrastinating again, but this time I don’t have a deadline. nothing to force me into an all nighter. which means my procrastinating nature could rule indefinitely…so I’ve got to seek the source. why is the procrastination so prevalent? it’s only in activities that I really don’t want to do. now, to clarify, I’m not writing for a class… no one is forcing me to write, or read for that matter. I feel scheduled for the simple fact that I’ve continued to write down keywords to trigger my memory about topics I’ve thought of writing about… quite simply, because the list exists – and is getting quite long – I feel like I’m “behind”. I guess it’s years of conditioning… “my god, my ‘to do’ list is so long, I’ll never catch up at this rate… how long has it been since I changed my bedsheets?” …now, I don’t want to get rid of the list… because it’s such a wonderful source of ideas when I have nothing new coming to me… it will totally delay my inevitable writer’s block… if I ever start writing again. I’m basically working on convincing myself that I enjoy writing again… and that it is, in fact, on my schedule and at my convenience. what I did was cut my list into little strips… so I can’t see how many accumulate… so it feels like less of a must-get-done kind of list and more like a luck of the draw. which was working out great until I spilled my cup of lists, and some drifted into the hallway. the guys are finding random notes like “foreign hairstylists” and “girl scout mobs”. as if they didn’t think I was unbalanced already…
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