back at it...

so I’ve been hit lately with this overwhelming sense of guilt, of being “behind” in my reading and writing. which, if I were on some sort of schedule… I would be. so I find myself stalling… ever so effectively, as if I were back in college and looking to do anything but write that term paper. it’s not so much that I really enjoyed pulling those last minute, late night all nighters… I was just so good at procrastinating. and so here I am, procrastinating again, but this time I don’t have a deadline. nothing to force me into an all nighter. which means my procrastinating nature could rule indefinitely…so I’ve got to seek the source. why is the procrastination so prevalent? it’s only in activities that I really don’t want to do. now, to clarify, I’m not writing for a class… no one is forcing me to write, or read for that matter. I feel scheduled for the simple fact that I’ve continued to write down keywords to trigger my memory about topics I’ve thought of writing about… quite simply, because the list exists – and is getting quite long – I feel like I’m “behind”. I guess it’s years of conditioning… “my god, my ‘to do’ list is so long, I’ll never catch up at this rate… how long has it been since I changed my bedsheets?” …now, I don’t want to get rid of the list… because it’s such a wonderful source of ideas when I have nothing new coming to me… it will totally delay my inevitable writer’s block… if I ever start writing again. I’m basically working on convincing myself that I enjoy writing again… and that it is, in fact, on my schedule and at my convenience. what I did was cut my list into little strips… so I can’t see how many accumulate… so it feels like less of a must-get-done kind of list and more like a luck of the draw. which was working out great until I spilled my cup of lists, and some drifted into the hallway. the guys are finding random notes like “foreign hairstylists” and “girl scout mobs”. as if they didn’t think I was unbalanced already…

speaking of which...

since i'm on the topic of exercise... (apparently one journal entry qualifies as being "on the topic"...)i had a friend ask me once exactly how strong/big/inshape enough was "enough". i can't remember exactly how i responded... just that i wasn't too confident in my answer so i felt like i was stammering around the question by discussing how long workouts make the time go by faster out here. or something. it may be a year later... but i think i finally have an answer... there is something rather disgraceful, even dishonorable, about "falling out". for those of you that don't know, if your fellow ff's have to pull you out of a fire... or if you have to get checked by the medics and aren't allowed back in the game afterwards... you fell out. if you fall out more than once, you get an unspoken reputation as a liability to the crew and mission. this is a concern anywhere you go, but becomes very evident when the daytime temps soar above 120F......so in short, you don't ever want to be the one to fall out, or to fail at an assigned task. every day is a battle of hydration... another possible scenario to test the limits of your conditioning... another chance to prove the critics right or wrong. so how much is enough? when i can be sure i *won't* be the one to fall out... when i have enough confidence to work beyond the mental block of physical agility tests... when i know i have more than "enough" to get through or around every obsticle that could ever be put in my way... that's "enough". i don't think i'm there yet.

call your local congressman...

i intensely dislike "legs day". ("intensely dislike" is an understatement... more like "hate with the intensity of 1000 burning suns", but that seemed a little harsh to begin the entry with.) i don't actually know anyone who likes it... who thinks to themselves, "yay, today is legs day..." but i'm sure someone is out there who gets satisfaction and spiritual fulfillment from lunges and squats. me, i abhor them. ...once every 5 weeks legs day falls on monday. as if motivation isn't hard enough... now it involves pulling energy and willpower directly out of my ass. i've decided no more. no more legs days on mondays. (people have run for president with weaker platforms... just look at bush) i'm putting a stop to it here and now, i just had my last legs day on a monday. it's good to have a plan...

open letter to my exes...

no, this is not going to be one of *those* kinds of entries… i promise.it was recently brought to my attention of the changes in the life of one of my exes, and whereas previously it may have been true to my form to perhaps be critical, spiteful, jealous or any number of emotions… i found that i was truly happy for her and hoping for the best for her. this applies to all of my exes… i *do* hope for their happiness. (for one or two of them, that also involves me hoping that they can become better people more capable of finding said happiness…) anyways, it made me realize that i had a few things to say. true to form, i will not be including names… you know who you are. some persons got more than one statement, and a few of the statements apply to more than one person. so there, that’ll keep you on your toes…i hope for you to never grow up. never neglect your inner child… and don’t ever stop playing. thank you for teaching me the importance in this.i hope for you to remember to breathe… and you can embrace every moment for what it has to offer. thank you for allowing me to share this with you. thank you for teaching me what it is to love beyond myself.i hope you find something that can fulfill you, that whatever you are searching for is within your grasp. i’m sorry i couldn’t be everything you wanted. thank you for inspiring me and setting me on my path.i hope you find the stability you need, that you can be comfortable in. i’m sorry that our paths diverged and i couldn’t be that for you.i hope you find someone worth risking truly opening yourself to. i’m sorry that i wasn’t truly present with you, and that my heart wasn’t truly open to you. i hope you find a path out of the cycle you’re in… i hope you find the strength to reach out when you need it, and i’m sorry i couldn’t be either of those for you. thank you for showing me that cycle, and allowing me to learn from your mistakes.i hope for your health… that you find love, happiness, and fulfillment. thank you for being a part of my life.

do they have a 12 step program for that?

having spent the better part of a decade as either single or nearly single, i have a finely tuned, jaded part of me that can look past the romantic poetic vision of a relationship or single romantic act… and see it for the pathetic and/or nauseating display it is. (if you aren’t familiar with the term “nearly single” then it’s been a while since you’ve been there, now, hasn’t it?) even as i’m in the midst of a lasting relationship with someone i really love… i can pick out things i do and say and see the quality in it that could make someone physically ill. likewise, having been a permanent resident on the other side of the fence, i can also curb some of those gag-inducing actions to kind of respect the space of that single person who “doesn’t really want to hear it.” what i’m really trying to say is… well, it’s pathetic and nausating. i know that… but i can’t quit. i also know some of ya’ll will think it’s the most adorable, romantic thing you’ve heard all day… and it’s either because you are a hopeless romantic, or you are in one of those disgustingly sweet relationships that make the rest of the population hurl. i thought i managed to eradicate the inner hopeless romantic in myself… but it turns out he’s just tied and gagged in the corner. apparently he got a hold of a pencil and has been trying to write occasional messages to me by gripping it with his toes… which could completely explain the interesting choices of gifts for the last several valentine’s days… but that’s a whole other story…*sigh* …so i miss my girlfriend. a lot. i miss everything about her… but it seems to be worse at night, when i have time to lie awake and think. so every night i take her sweatshirt… which doesn’t smell like her anymore, but it’s *her’s* and therefore like a part of her… and wrap it around me and fall asleep with it blanketing me. yes, i am 29 years old, and i have a blanky. for those of you that feel the urge to vomit, please turn away from the computer screen at this time… they don’t clean up nearly as well as you think they would…

oh for the love of...

so there’s some things you should never wish for… for instance, i said to myself yesterday, “hmmm… i haven’t had anything really humorous to write about recently…” basically i cursed myself. well, if that doesn’t set the scene, i don’t know what does. of course, there’s always the off chance that *i’m* the only one who finds this amusing… and that now i’ve set ya’ll up for a huge letdown. ohhh, the pressure…just for a little background… there’s been a lot of little projects going on here recently. one of which is that the showers needed to be caulked to be operational. having been an homeowner, and having caulked tubs and sinks on more than one occasion, i felt pretty comfortable taking on this project…well, a tube of silicone was found for me… mind you, i had no caulking gun… but a handle of a hammer would have to make due. (i’m certain someone’s father lived by the motto “the right tool for the right job”. mine shuts off a lawnmower that’s older than i am with a screwdriver… so the motto i know is “adapt and overcome”) so i removed the old caulk, mold, and other unmentionables with a pocket knife. (right tool, i’m sure) and sliced the tip of the tube to the recommended 45 degree angle. of course, *this* is about the moment that i noticed that the expiration date on the tube was approximately 2 years ago. hmmm… does silicone *really* expire? after all, it’s not a dairy product or anything… i’m going to smear it on the walls of a 25 year old shower, not dip my french fries in it… should be fine, right?…so insert the handle of the hammer, and a little pressure… and bingo…nothing. so a little harder… and nothing. (now, you *know* me at this point. what do *you* think I did?) so of course, i turned the whole thing so it was upside down (read: tip pointed skyward) and squeezed it between the shower floor and all the force i could put on it. well, when it finally gave, it really gave. all over the shower wall, floor, my pants, my hair, and even up my nose. i think i’m going to have to add that to my list of orifices that i don’t really want sealed with silicone. although, had i let it dry a bit, i could’ve had custom fitted nose plugs. add that to the “something about mary” look i had going on…now, while i could work it into a mean fauxhawk… i decided that the silicone look was a little too permanent for me. after lathering, rinsing, and repeating several times however… all i had succeeded in doing is spreading it in a even layer over every follicle on my head. now i looked like i should be attached to a long chain and swung as a weapon in some medieval battle. and as quiet as i tried to keep it, it was only a matter of time before someone noticed my incessant shampooing…so, that ya’ll may learn from my experience, the makeshift solution to removing silicone from your hair is WD40. this was suggested to me, and while i’m pretty sure it was really just to add insult to injury… or because the other all purpose “fix it” of the fire service wasn’t going to suffice in this situation (duct tape)… apparently WD40 will help in that situation. i ended up not shearing my shaggy, dirty surfer looking locks. i did smell kind of funny the rest of the day… as i was now freshly out of shampoo……on a separate note, WD40 did not out perform VO5 hot oil treatment in the latest survey…

calling dr. phil...

i’m struggling with a bit of a mental block when it comes to physical agility tests. it really doesn’t matter that right now i’m in great shape and *should* be able to pass… it’s really that i failed one, and therefore have this irritating mindset that i’m not going to pass. i created my own slump. since then, i’ve failed 2 physical agility tests that i had no business failing. if you asked me to tell you why, i couldn’t. i need the dr. phil of the sport psychology world. there’s nothing more debilitating than failing, for no apparent reason, and then finding yourself questioning whether you’re capable in the field or not. doubting whether you can get hired for another job. and all the other self doubts and anxieties that can rear their ugly head when they’re riding the waves of an effective blow to the ego. well, on my way back to my base, i got sidelined at HQ for a bit… mostly for inprocessing and to pick up another useless cert… but on our last night there we did an “SCBA confidence course”. basically an obstacle course, but one that they’d put 108 firefighters through so far, and only 17 or so had passed. no females. good odds. *sigh*basically to simulate blacked out conditions and being completely lost in a building… (mind you, a small building, but with 3 separate floors) well, for those of ya’ll who aren’t firefighters… crawling in 40 lbs of gear with a 35 lb pack in 90 degree heat and squeezing through openings, going up floors, down floors, searching for a way out… it can be a hell of a workout. i think i lost 5 lbs of water weight. …but the important part is that i made it out. it took me longer than anyone else, but i also had more air left than anyone on exit. basically, it was a little affirmation that i was looking for. now if i can just find a dept that’s hiring… and invest in hypnosis…